Well, I took off a lot longer than just February from blogging. Part of me found that it was just something else to do, like a chore, and it took up time (taking pics, uploading them, running them through PSE, etc.) that otherwise I could have spent actually making something or playing with some new medium, and at the time I was not getting enough back from it to make that worthwhile.
Now, however, I think I am at a place that I need to do this again. And I am not going at it this time with the thought that anyone is ever going to come to my little space and read this stuff. That just leads to dashed hopes, and there’s enough opportunity for that without going looking for it.
This is about my place to figure out what is going on with me and learn to bring myself out into the open again. These last few months have brought me to the very painful realization that I have allowed myself over the years to retreat so far back that I no longer feel I have the ability, the right, the confidence to make an impression on my world. Between being married to a strong personality and wishing to avoid confrontations (after losing so many of them), and also not believing that divorce is an option (not for religious reasons, just personal ones), the only way left for me to accommodate the situation was not to express opinions. Motherhood on top of that–no time to get anything done that took longer than five minutes–leached me of the will to make plans, to make lists, and get things done. It was too depressing to make lists that never got anything crossed off of them.
So I stopped. And in doing so, I shut myself down so far that I have no idea who is in there now. I’m 41 years old but I feel like a child.
Having acknowledged all this, I am treating myself tenderly (except for those few minutes when I despair at the fact that I let this happen at all) and gently. I am honoring and owning my vulnerability. I am fighting my tendency to seek others’ approval and instead learning to go after my own.
I am Becoming.